Oscars - Hour #1

Welcome to the Oscars. This year, I'm not having massive vomiting, so I'm a step ahead of last year. WooHoo! Welcome to hour #1, well, probably hour & a half number 1. Let's see how Seth will do. So far, he isn't bombing, so he's a step ahead of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. So far a freeing the slaves joke and a Chris Brown joke. Ooooh. Now, Captain Kirk is now on-screen from the future to show an offensive production number Seth did. I liked the taped reactions from Charlize, Naomi, and especially Jennifer. Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are ballroom dancing. Cullman, AL representing tonight. The sock puppet reenactment of Flight was much better than the actual movie I have to say. I really didn't like that movie. Denzel was great but the movie sucked harder than a new Dyson. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe in the dance sequence were entertaining. But why do they only get to dance while Jennifer Aniston actually gets to present an award. Those guys make movies I actually like to see, unlike JA. The fantasy sequence with Sally Field was pretty dadgum funny! Now the state of Alabama's own Oscar winner Octavia Spencer is presenting Best Supporting Actor, and the Oscar goes to Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained.  The quick shot of Quentin Tarantino makes it look like he started drinking early. And by early, I mean Thursday. Now 22 minutes later, a commercial. Whew, packed opening wasn't it?

Now Paul Rudd and Sookie St. James I mean Melissa McCarthy (I loved her on Gilmore Girls). She's working the big hair tonight. I wonder if she's really southern. They are actually funny together. Put them together! They are presenting best animated short and the Oscar goes to Paperman. I was rooting for the Maggie Simpson one but nobody asked me. But then again I haven't seen any of them so what the heck do I know. Now for animated feature, the winner is Brave. The award is accepted by a man in a colorful kilt and a woman dressed for a renaissance festival. Now Reese is out to introduce some of the nominees for best picture. #1 is Les Miserables although at times I thought it was #2, but some parts were ok, overall, I didn't like it and wouldn't go to see it onstage. Next is Life of Pi about a boy and a tiger stranded on a boat at sea. I do want to see this. I almost went to see it yesterday but wasn't feeling up to it. #3 is Beasts of the Southern Wild. I loved this movie and the little girl was amazing. Who's the man? I'M THE MAN!! She has just been signed to play Little Orphan Annie in a remake of the musical Annie. Awesome! Now, the cast of the Avengers is presenting best cinematography. Yeah, not as funny. Life of Pi wins and it's accepted by some ghost albino type hybrid monster. I think he's got the mane of some magical horse in a fairy tale. Now for visual effects, will it be a Hobbit or a CGI tiger, or whatever the heck Prometheus is about. Life of Pi wins for the fake tiger. They are using Jaws as the playoff music? YES!!! Keith Urban even looked embarrassed for him.

Now Channing Tatum drew the short straw and has to present with Jennifer Aniston. Channing is now looking uncomfortable about waxing. OK. Now, costume design also known as prettiest old clothes. The winner is Anna Karenina. Now best makeup goes to Les Miserables for making skinny people look like they hadn't eaten in a while, although most of them probably hadn't. I think Anne Hathaway subsists on a diet of saltines and Coke Zero (she's tiny). Does that lady have chopsticks in her hair? Did she eat Chinese food earlier? And she was wearing pink tights too. Why do the costume and makeup people look like they got dressed in the dark? Now Alexis Carrington, oh wait, I mean Halle Berry is out to introduce the Bond tribute. I never watched a lot of the Bond movies but Skyfall was AWESOME!! Now, DAME Shirley bassey is out there singing Goldfinger. She is a dame and older so I'll just be nice and leave it at that. But she ended much better than she started. And the crowd goes wild. That was it for the Bond tribute? Really? That's all? Some clips and a song? That sucks. None of the old Bonds

Now, Jamie Foxx & Kerry Washington are presenting best live action short to Curfew. Apparently, they put some folks in the balconies. Well, is that a good thing or not? I support Short Films, but I more heavily support Martin Short Films. Someone needs to give him a good movie NOW. I know nothing about these short films so I had to change the subject. These documentary shorts look utterly depressing I hope they are uplifting. The winner is Inocente. It's about painting of some sort. Looks like kids' faces are painted like at the fair. Now Liam Neeson is here to tell Hollywood of his special skills and how he will find them. Or to introduce Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. I have a feeling I would respect Lincoln more than I like it. I'm Argo all the way! "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth" bahaha, that made me laugh. And then a Kardashian joke, YES!! Now for documentary feature. Searching for Sugarman, a movie about the search for a long forgotten musician wins.

OK, I'm sick of looking at this page, so I'm gonna wrap this up and get ready for hour #2!

Grammy Awards - Hour #3

They start with one of my favorites, Bruno Mars singing "Locked Out of Heaven"!! YES!! And in walks in Sting which fits since many found some Sting influences in the song. I love seeing singers in the audience singing along (Adele, Keith Urban, Taylor though don't dance please), now they morph into the Bob Marley tribute. Sting still sounds amazing and singing with Bruno, it's awesome. Now Rihanna and 2 of Bob Marley's sons. This is the loosest I've seen Rihanna in a long time. This is a wonderful performance. AMAZING!!

Now The Lumineers are fresh from raiding thrift stores for their Grammy outfits to sing their ubiquitous song Ho Hey (aka that song you hear in every other commercial. The other song you hear in commercials is Home by Philip Phillips). Now Jack White is on, fresh from the set of a Tim Burton movie apparently, and backed by a band of ladies. He's getting shown up by the lady singer though. Did he borrow that jacket from Porter Waggoner? Kinda works though. Now, he's alone and mumbling. But man can he play some guitar. Now Katy Perry in a subtle and low key dress is here presenting best new artist. I've heard of them all and they are all deserving, but fun. wins the award. A few rows back, Bonnie Raitt stands and cheers but still looks bored. The lead singer just pulled a Forrest Gump and said he had to pee. His mother is so proud I'm sure. He kinda looks like the rich kid bully in an 80s teen movies.

Hunter Hayes starts off singing for 15 seconds. He's like the country Bieber, but with talent and he does annoy me. He introduces Carrie Underwood, who does annoy me. Is that a prom dress or a bridesmaid's dress? And we get it, you can sing loud Carrie. Now PRINCE!!! will present Record of the Year. He's got a walking stick. I WANT ONE TOO!! Gotye, featuring Kimbra, wins for Somebody That I Used To Know. What a brilliant haunting song. I was afraid he'd be shut out tonight, but he's won 3 tonight. Congrats, well-deserved. After winning her Grammy, Kimbra, will perform her ice skating routine, apparently.

 Now, a jazz trio of people who weren't introduced I think are paying tribute to Dave Brubeck. Ryan Seacrest is an honorary chair of something? Wow, I would have guessed the Lollipop Guild, but some Grammy thing works too. Now the Grammy president bores us all talks about the Grammy foundation. He does introduce Chick Corea and the other guys playing. Now Justin Timberlake comes back on, even though he was OWNED by Bruno Mars. Now the Grammy death parade. Now, a tribute to Levon Helm featuring a ton of folks singing one of my all time favorite songs "The Weight". Zac Brown, Mavis Staples, Mumford & Sons, Elton John, and Athens, AL's own Brittany Howard from Alabama Shakes did a great job on this song thankfully. Just about half an hour left.

Now Spanish language artist Juanes is singing some of Elton's Your Song and now in Spanish. Don't tell Scott Beason, he's likely to drive to LA and have this guy deported. Now Frank Ocean is performing his song called Forrest Gump (not kidding, that's the name). This is awesome! I don't know why, but it just IS! Now my girl Adele is presenting Album of the Year (since she won last year). She said "Most winners of this award go on to global success and big tours, or get knocked up like last year's winner." and then she laughed. I love her. The Grammy goes to Babel by Mumford & Sons. I Will Wait is a great song. Oops, I think someone said a wirty dord! Watch your language. Dang Brits, can't take em anywhere! Very talented and now a couple of them can go back to sleeping under the overpass. Apparently, we are ending the show with LL Cool J performing with hard rockers. Hmm.

LL Cool J, Chuck D, Tom Morello, Z Trip, and Travis Barker. Let's see if LL can be bad again or is gonna be a family friend form of rocking. Good to see him rapping again. I thought Hollywood mellowed him too much. Plus, the Beastie Boys shout-out. NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN!!

Well that's it for tonight. See you back in 2 weeks for the Oscars. Hopefully we won't have a repeat of last year where I had a bad stomach virus, and the wrong movie won. GO ARGO!

Grammy Awards - Hour #2

Here we are for hour #2. It's starting with Ellen DeGeneres and Beyonce'. I guess Beyonce sang (well, danced and sang a little) enough last week before she took out the power in New Orleans. They are introducing Justin Timberlake who is back making music after he showed that he's not nearly as good at acting. Looks like he's copying Bruno Mars performance style from a couple of years ago. Catchy song though. And out of the audience comes Jay-Z. Hey Hova, if you didn't wanna sit by your sister-in-law you just had to say it. Good JT performance, but he gets docked for copying off Bruno Mars. Kelly Rowland looks a lot better than Beyonce' did and she and Nas present best Urban Contemporary Album to Frank Ocean. Saw him on SNL a few months back and he was great.

Now, Dave Grohl and NCIS lady are presenting best rock performance. The Grammy goes to The Black Keys for Lonely Boy. From what I've heard of them, I like them, a lot. You wouldn't normally think of a group like Mumford & Sons as rock, but they showed tonight that a folky band with a banjo can. Oh good grief, it's time for Maroon 5. I'll try to let my rage subside. I just don't like their music anymore. Mainly because it's awful. But also because it's not any good. Now Alicia Keys to stop that mess. Has she always been able to play drums? I know Girl on Fire isn't about Hunger Games, but I can't help picture Katniss with this song. As if the Ed/Elton collaboration didn't prove that things like this shouldn't happen, hoping Adam singing with Alicia will prove it. For Pop Vocal Album, I'm rooting for Kelly or Florence, but figuring fun. will win. If Maroon 5 wins I'll have to pull an Elvis and shoot a TV. Not mine of course, but someone else's. Thankfully, Kelly won and Florence cheers loudest. Happy for Kelly. She seems like a real fun girl and has given the best speech of the night BY FAR!! She may be a little tipsy, but hilarious.

Now here's Rihanna performing her new song Stay. She really shouldn't buy her wig from the 99 cent bin though. But she sounds great. Isn't this the song about Chris Brown? Interesting choice for tonight. And the duet worked, unlike the others of the night. But very emotional. Now Carly Rae Jeppsen & NeYo present rap/sung to Church in the Wild. Jay-Z had one of the lines of the night "I'd like to thank the swap meet for his hat." haha

Now, Kat Dennings, fresh off her, um, interesting promo during the Super Bowl, introduces The Black Keys & Dr. John & the Preservation Hall Jazz Band. Oh Crystal Broussard, I hope you end up watching this. Rock, funk, jazz, & fun. I'm not sure what wildlife Dr. John ran over on the way to the awards show, but on anyone else, it'd look odd, on him it's more expected haha. I liked it! Now, time for Kelly Clarkson, and she's honoring Patti Page and Carole King. This should be something! Starting out with Tennessee Waltz. Now she goes into (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman. She sounds AMAZING! And she's being accompanied only by a piano and a guitar. And THAT is how you close out an hour. That was fantastic. But first, best country album, presented by Kelly. Winner is Zac Brown Band. He's wearing an actual hat instead of that stupid knit hat.

Grammy Awards - Hour #1

Alright alright alright, it's awards show time. Let's get right into it. Apparently the opening number is being done by the illegitimate daughter of the Mad Hatter & the White Queen and directed by Tim Burton on absinthe. Remember when she was a simple country singer? Now, all this over the top theatricality is just too much and annoying.

LL Cool J is once again hosting, once again in that same hat. I hope it's not the SAME hat he wears over & over and that it's a different one and that he washes it. That'd be a whole lot of head sweat. After that over produced monstrosity to open the show, now we have Ed Sheeran singing his simple song about a fallen woman (drug addicted prostitute actually) but singing it with Elton John. Elton is great but his style is so different than Ed's that it sounds a bit odd, but worked better when they harmonized. Would have liked to have seen Ed alone though.

Now here are Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez. Thankfully, neither is performing. Apparently, Jennifer Lopez's curtains got caught in the vacuum and she made them into a dress. That's resourcefulness right there. Now here's the Grammy for best solo pop performance. Adele wins for the live version of Set Fire to the Rain. An AMAZING song. Who was the guy that was up there first though? 

Now, here's fun. and it's fun. with a period at the end and not capitalized. I have a friend who hates them. I like them. This is a new song to me, slower than the others. I like the lead singer's voice a lot. His hair is stupid. Even when I had hair, mine only looked like that when I first woke up and when I needed a haircut. He's wearing Mary Tyler Moore's pants from the Dick Van Dyke. Capris are only a good look on 16 year old girls in 50s movies. And apparently, they just made it rain.

John Mayer looks a little less creepy tonight. BONNIE RAITT! Love her. Now Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley singing, hopefully a little more pep in their step. My friend Bill is getting bored with all these slow songs. But look, a pink microphone to distract from the slow song. Not peppy, but good. At least JLo & Pitbull didn't perform. Remember that.

Old Bandstand clip of LL Cool J shows he's been licking his lips a long time. In fact LL in his name stands for Lip Licking. Now Wiz Khalifa and Miguel are performing. Then present country solo performance. When I think country, I think Wiz. Sadly, Carrie Underwood won. Ugh, she annoys me. I've never been able to detect a personality with her. But Wiz & Miguel did a good job. Got Rihanna up on her feet even though nobody else was. She's that girl at the concert who stands when nobody else does. Hate it for those behind her.

Now, song of the year presented by former King & Queen of Country Tim McGraw & Faith Hill. Faith looks better than she has in a while. She's proudly sporting her braces. Song of the year goes to fun. for We Are Young. Cool song, and one of them is dating Lena Dunham from Girls. And according to Jay-Z & Solange Knowles, it looks like they serve booze at the seats. Look, they found some orange colored bum to pretend he's Johnny Depp. Oh wait, that IS Johnny Depp? Yikes! Ugh! But Mumford & Sons are so far rocking the hardest of anyone so far tonight. Tough for a folky band with a banjo. Taylor Swift is singing along. See Taylor, this is what people who have good voices sound like. Ouch, I'm sorry.

OK, that's it for hour #1, let's rev up for hour #2!!

Golden Globes Hour #3

Amy and Tina as drunk losers are hilarious. Big shout out to Glenn Close. Taylor Swift, stay away from Michael J. Fox's son. YES!! haha. Now the Jodie Foster lifetime achievement award. For someone so young, that's kinda funny. I miss Jodie Foster on-screen. I want her in more stuff, and comedies. Robert Downey Jr is a great presenter. Apparently, Jodie's escorts are her sons and Mel Gibson. Props for sticking by that hot mess (Mel, not her sons, I don't think). Cant' RDJ host something? Aww, Panic Room. Kristen Stewart was so cute as Jodie's son in that movie. Oh wait, her daughter? YIKES! Loved Jodie's shout out to Molly Shannon's Sally O'Malley. I'm 50!!

Now Halle Berry is presenting Best Director and it goes to the egregiously snubbed Ben Affleck for my favorite film of the year, Argo. Ben Affleck is a great director. See Argo, The Town (except the Blake Lively parts), and Gone Baby Gone. He's made it past his JLo days. So glad Tom Hooper didn't win for Les Mis. He made some horrible directorial choices. Now crazy drunk (at New Year's at least) Josh Brolin presents Moonrise Kingdom. I haven't seen it yet, but Wes Anderson movies are usually a bit too odd for my liking, and I like odd. We'll see.

Oh good grief, they let Jay Leno on here. Why? He's about as funny as my psoriatic arthritis. Best Comedy series goes to Girls! Was rooting for Big Bang but Girls was #2. Congrats. They must be running behind because I saw the big wrap up sign lol. Glad Smash didn't win. First season was more comedy than musical. Some parts were HORRID. Hope it improves this season. Although they do have Jennifer Hudson trying to act. That's not promising. Great singer, but not a good actress. I don't even believe she lost a ton of weight even though I know she did.

Now Oscar Winner Batman, I mean Christian Bale (same thing) presenting Silver Linings Playbook. Such an entertaining movie. Now best actor in a movie musical or comedy. Jennifer Garner presents and thanks folks her hubby forgot. They are too cute together, but I like them. Hugh Jackman wins. Was fine with him or Bradley (who surpirsed me in SLP!) or Jack Black who was GREAT in a little movie called Bernie.

Now a warning for making financial choices after Oscar nominations, Jeremy Renner presenting Zero Dark Thirty. A very good movie. Saw it today. Jessica Chastain is great! And apparently, he cussed or something. Now, Dustin Hoffman is here to present best picture comedy or musical. I'm hoping for SLP, or Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, just not Les Mis. And the winner is Les Miserable. Blech. I didn't hate it, I liked parts, some parts. OK, the name was right, I felt slightly miserable after.

Now, the drama portion of our evening. 3 awards: actress, actor, film. Jessica Chastain has drama actress all sewn up. Man, Naomi Watts looks like she's 50 or something. Now best actor will probably go to Daniel Day Lewis as Lincoln people say he looked and sounded like Lincoln. How do they know what Lincoln sounded like, huh? HOW DO THEY KNOW? I have seen Richard Gere in Arbitrage and he was great (film was ok) and Denzel Washington in Flight (he was BRILLIANT, but the movie was horrid). I will see Lincoln soon.

Now Julia Roberts, who like first presenter Kate Hudson hasn't made a good movie in a while (but MANY more than Kate) presents best motion picture goes to...ARGO!! She gets to hug her good buddy George Clooney. This was my favorite movie of the year so I'm happy :)

Well, aside from crazy nutty moments and not enough Tina and Amy, not a bad show. See y'all at either the SAGs or the Grammys. Who knows. Rise up y'all!

Golden Globes Hour #2

This hour stars with the supremely talented actress Jessica Alba. I'm waiting for her to tackle Shakespeare. And the best actor in a tv movie/miniseries is Kevin Costner. He deserves this award more than he did for best director for Dances With Wolves. That should have gone to Scorsese for Goodfellas. My favorite part, lady coming back to her table with her wine while Kevin was walking to the stage. Haha, she didn't care. It was HER moment.

The actual president Bill Clinton presents the clips from the movie about Lincoln. I still have to see it, but it's another one of those full nap empty bladder movies. Dear filmmakers, EDIT!!

From Clinton to now Ferrell and Wiig, that's a transition. And they are doing bits like most of their characters on SNL. Yeah, they annoyed me on there. They are coming across as, um, medicated. But it's kinda working, kinda predictable and not working. Coming across like that bit Wiig did with Fred Armisen that I despised. But Jennifer Lawrence won for her brilliant performance in Silver Linings Playbook. See this movie if you haven't. Loved her speech "I beat Meryl".

Best TV supporting actor now. I'm rooting for Max Greenfield from New Girl so he has no shot. The winner is Ed Harris for Game Change. He was a great John McCain. And Jamie Foxx presents Django Unchained. See earlier. Jonah Hill and Megan Fox, awkward. And the Golden Globe for best supporting actress goes to Anne Hathaway for a wonderful 15 minutes in Les Miserables. Oh I hope she doesn't cry. I've never understood crying when you win an award. You didn't put a man on Mars or cure diseases. You played pretend. Anne is great but she takes herself a tad too seriously. But she gave a nice shout out to Sally Field.

Manic man Quentin Tarantino wins best screenplay. He still kinda scares me after all these years. Maybe it's the chin? I think he's a little drunk, or maybe a lot. Now a clip of Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. I kinda wanna see it. I like Ewan McGregor and Emily Blunt. I love movies where British folks go to exotic locations and learn more about themselves. See also, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. Now Lucy Liu in a shower curtain. For best actor in a TV comedy, the winner is Don Cheadle for House of Lies. I've read horrid reviews of it and most Showtime shows I don't care for, see also Homeland.

Now Stallone and Schwarzenegger are onstage trying to sound coherent. Bless their hearts. At least there are no housekeepers at the awards show, so Arnold is safe. But they are at a hotel, so who knows. Amour wins. It's about an old couple facing illness and death. It's the feel good movie of the year.

Now TV actress in a drama. I'm rooting for Julianna, want Connie to win for being snubbed for Friday Night Lights, but no, Claire Danes wins for Homeland. Yawn. Why did you say wow Claire, you knew you'd win.

Oh good grief, Sacha Baron Cohen with an unfunny and tacky intro, not to Les Miserable, but to best animated feature. Yeah, that is a great segue. Why is he funny again? Or Russell Brand for that matter. He wasn't there I just don't like him. Brave wins best animated feature. I haven't seen any of the movies so congrats. I'm sure your movie is either great or awful. Now presenting, Life of Pi. I do kinda want to see that. It looks visually stunning!

Now best actress in a comedy, Aziz Ansari trying to be funny but failing and Jason Bateman playing the straight man again. Loved Amy & Tina's nominee shots haha. They are brilliantly funny. The winner is Lena Dunham for Girls. Would have preferred Amy, but happy for Lena. Girls really grew on me. Congrats. Plus she not a pencil stick thin blond bimbo type.

Now on to hour #3

Golden Globes Hour #1

It's time for the Golden Globe Awards presented by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association so even our awards are being outsourced. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are hosting and just got in a HUGE shot at James Cameron. LOVE IT!! They are killing it on the monologue.

The night starts off with best supporting actor in a movie. For some reason, making one good movie 11-12 years ago makes Kate Hudson qualified to consider herself a movie star. Hollywood grades on a curve it seems. But someone needs to investigate what's attacked her neck. I think a Golden Globe has eaten her. The Golden Globe goes to Christoph Waltz in Django Unchained. I have to make sure I have a good nap and an empty bladder before I see it because it's just so long and Leonardo DiCaprio tries to act like a big boy even though he still looks and sounds like he's 17.

Now supporting actress in TV and Dennis Quaid and his plastic surgeon and Kerry Washington present to Dame Maggie Smith for playing a crusty old British lady in Downton Abbey.

Game Change wins best TV Movie/MiniSeries. This was a very interesting movie about the McCain/Palin campaign. Wonderfully acted and written, but probably only to independents and democrats. Now for best actress in a TV movie/miniseries, the winner is Julianne Moore wearing something from the Dynasty collection. She was wonderful as Sarah Palin and it wasn't just an impersonation.

First Best Picture nominee presented is Les Miserables. Anne Hathway was great. Hugh Jackman was very good (but not on Bring Him Home) and Russell Crowe needed Sudafed, and they needed more talking, and they needed fewer close ups and ok I didn't love it. It was good, but except for Anne, it doesn't deserve to win anything. Yeah, I said it, what of it.

I love imagining that Hunger Games would be used to decide association presidents. And her lines were great. Now Rosario Dawson presents The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. I really enjoyed this movie. It has a sweet tempo and presence to it. See it if you haven't. Eh, Damian Lewis for drama TV actor. I admire Homeland but don't love it and sometimes I don't like it. I wanted Hamm or Cranston to take it. And it won series too. At least The Newsroom didn't win.

Now for Argo being presented. They have the actual CIA agent who led the mission, Tony Mendez. Argo was a great movie and is a great story. Some of it is heightened for dramatic effect, but it's still dang good and the movie I'd vote for if I were a member of the Academy.

For music, Jennifer Lopez is presenting those awards. I don't know why, she can't sing. Life of Pi won score and my girl Adele won for best song for the AWESOME AMAZING WONDERFUL song. Plus she beat Taylor and Taylor looked TICKED, that was just a bonus.

That's enough for hour #1. Now time to check on the Australian Open and prepare for hour 2!