CMA Awards - Hour #1

Good evening and welcome to hickville. That's what I'm going to call my apartment tonight. I'm going to be watching the Country Music Association Awards, and I'm eating Hamburger Helper and instead of rolls, I have butter hamburger bun toast (I had rolls, but I MaryBelled them. They were just a little bit brown as my late beloved Granny would say). I like the CMAs because they are all about the performances PLUS they take time to show the awards. The performance I'm most looking forward to is Kelly Clarkson featuring Vince Gill. It's the new country song on Kelly's greatest hits CD. I've heard it and it's good. Hey Taylor, THIS is what country sounds like. How many surprise faces will Taylor give? How many notes will she miss? Don't make a drinking game out of either though. Alcohol poisoning kills.

Let's open the show with Jason Aldean with the requisite shout out to NY/NJ. Now, Luke Bryan. He looks Tony Romo a little bit, except he actually has some talent and could probably win a playoff game. Now Eric Church joins them. He reminds me of Dale Gribble from King of the Hill. This sounds more southern rock than country, but it wasn't bad. Good opener. WILLIE NELSON IS IN THE HOUSE! Let's hope there are no drug sniffing dogs there.

Now the awesome host Brad Paisley. Oh and Carrie is there too. Their opening song is usually pretty funny. They changed the horrible Moves Like Jagger song to Moves Like Haggard talking about singers puking on stage, driving drunk and naked, and drinking at 2. Ah, Merle! And the dead horse that is Psy's Gangnam Style got a few more beatings. Congrats on being 2 months late. They did get a Dolly joke in there. And they did a doping joke for Willie. I must say, once you reach a certain age, braided pigtails probably aren't a good look for a man.

First award is Single of the Year, presented by Lisa Marie Presley. Think she was hoping Nicole Kidman would be there to find out how she escaped. Little Big Town won for Pontoon. I've liked them since Boondocks. I'm happy for them! Although it does mention "motorboatin". For shame.

Now, Tim McGraw. Let's see if this song is better than some of the last junk I've heard from him. Ooh, lower the key. You sound like a bad church soloist on those high notes. Wow, Jake Owen is wearing what looks like a women's leopard print jacket. Why? Thompson Square wins Duo of the Year. The way they kissed, I hope they are married to each other or Lucy, they got some 'splainin to do. Talkin' about her Memaw and Mason Jars, she sounded more country than him. Now Miranda Lambert is singing about being the Fastest Girl in Town. She needs to slow down, whatever she ran into stuck to her shirt. It looks like Vegas roadkill. But she's still like Tanya Tucker without the drugs and Glen Campbell, and nowhere near as trashy as Tanya, but then again, who is? Miranda is a hillbilly rocker and I think she likes it that way.

A chubby bearded man in leather pants and a toboggan, gotta love Zac Brown Band. Finally a quieter song after louder ones with more emphasis on beat, not that those were bad. I liked Luke Bryan most in the first song. Tim, meh. Miranda, the music was too loud, couldn't hear her. I love how ZBB look like guys you wouldn't want sitting next to you on a plane, but they are awesome. Now a true country traditionalist, Dierks Bentley. I've always been a fan of his. Even when trying to sound very commercial, he's still good.

Oh look, Carrie changed clothes again. WOW! Now, The Band Perry. The first time I remember hearing them was when I was on the way to Wilmington, DE and heard If I Die Young, a sweet gentle song. Now, she's dressed like she's in a Whitesnake cover band and they have pointless lasers. Song is pretty good though. Lady country singers, work on your lower register or raise the key of your songs. I think Carrie's dress weighs more than she does. Now, here's Dale Gribble, I mean Eric Church with Springsteen. I do like this song. He does nostalgia better than Tim & Kenny. Eli Young Band is singing now. Eh, they are ok, nothing special, not standing out.

Now song of the year with one of my daddy's favorites Kellie Pickler and Darius Rucker. I see him and I still think of Hootie & the Blowfish and my college years. I still love that Kellie shaved her head in support of a friend with cancer. And the winner, country's reigning couple Blake & Miranda for her song Over You. You know they are wild & fun, but enough with the rock & roll devil horns Miranda.

Now on to hour #2!