Oscars Hour #3

This next hour starts with Nicole Kidman still looking human and introducing Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and that laugh riot Amour. Nicole, keep away from the Botox, you look better without it.  Oh look Kristen Stewart is actually halfway smiling. She always looks so miserable. Maybe SHE should have been in Les Miserables. You don't want to know what my friends though about her. Daniel Radcliffe is TINY! Art direction Oscar goes to Lincoln. Is Salma Hayek hiding a neck brace underneath that dress? Does she need it to hold up all that hair? Yes, let's give Salma all the hard words to say. Bless it.

And we're back, and here is George Clooney, in a beard, looking like he was lost in the wilderness. He's here to introduce what I call "The Death Parade" aka "In Memoriam". It ended with EGOT (Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony) winner Marvin Hamlisch who wrote The Way We Were, sung now by Barbra Streisand. She sounds great, but her look, well, she sounds great. See, I can be nice :)

Back yet again, and this time with a joke about Rex Reed making weight jokes. He should have been ashamed of how he referred to Melissa McCarthy. But it got people to realize he wasn't dead, so, I guess it worked. Now, the stars of Chicago are presenting best score. Who knew Renee Zellweger was still around? Who knew Queen Latifah was the mother of the bride? Life of Pi wins. Now Norah Jones is singing the song from Ted. And, for best original song. It better be Skyfall or I'll be ticked! Thankfully Skyfall wins!

And we're back with Dustin Hoffman being dwarfed by Charlize Theron. His eyes are pretty much at chest level on her. She can rock a short haircut. See Justin Bieber, that's how a woman should wear short hair. Now, best adapted screenplay goes to Argo!! Great movie, so if you haven't seen it, please do, it's out on DVD. This guy looks like he just woke up though. Bless his heart. And best original screenplay goes to Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained. However, most of the screenplay can't be repeated in public. I still have to see this. Quentin also looks like he just woke up and just sobered up.

Now Jane Fonda & Michael Douglas are walking through a tiki torch garden to present best director. My dad isn't a Fonda fan, but she's be overhauled more than a restored 57 Chevy. How much work has she had done? Do her feet even touch the floor? Does she cry from behind her ears? Anyway, best director goes to Ang Lee for Life of Pi. I had him as my #2. I still thought they'd give it to Spielberg. Still gotta see Pi.

Moving quickly now, 3 categories left. Now, Jean Dujardin will present best actress. I want Jennifer Lawrence to win because she's hilarious and fun and was very good in Silver Linings Playbook. And Amour just looks so depressing and sad or painful to watch. And the Oscar goes to Jennifer Lawrence!! Congrats to her, even though she just face planted on the way up. You go girl! She was genuinely surprised. How sweet And she even wished happy birthday to her fellow nominee 86 year old Emmanuelle Riva. Even sweeter :) Now the acting superstar Meryl Streep presenting Best Actor to of course Daniel Day-Lewis as Lincoln. I hear he is amazing. He even made a great joke with Meryl about being signed to play Margaret Thatcher lol. Now here's Jack to present Best Picture. And to co-present, from the White House, Michelle Obama. I'm sure some of my friends will hate that part. Get over it, in all Christian love & kindness :) And the Oscar goes to Argo!! Congrats to Ben and the cast & crew. Ben gave one of the best speeches of the night, right after Daniel Day-Lewis.

And now, to close the show, it's Seth with the incomparable Kristin Chenoweth. Let's see how this goes. This is a tribute to the losers. Kristin with a great Tom Cruise, bless them all. All in all, not a bad show. Fun enough I guess. Seth wasn't hideous.

Anyway, here's to all of y'all out there. Signing off here until the Academy of Country Awards this spring. Later!

Oscars Hour #2

Oscars hour #2 starts with Jennifer Garner and Jessica Chastain presenting Best Foreign Language Film. The Oscar goes to Amour, a story about an elderly couple facing old age and death. Yeah, it's a laugh riot y'all! This director also made the movie Funny Games, the original and American remake about a group of young kids who do a home invasion on this family and torture them. Yes, another laugh riot! Now, John Travolta is here for some reason. Oh wow that is one AWFUL wig he's wearing. He's introducing the tribute to movie musicals. Apparently it's gonna have a lot of Les Mis. True, I'm miserables about it. Thankfully, the Zeta is kicking it off with All That Jazz. She's still got it! Next Jennifer Hudson is singing the song that got her the Oscar. I'm glad she's just singing because girl can't act. I don't even believe her on those Weight Watcher commercials where she says she lost all that weight. I think she sang this song better when she was heavier. I didn't hate Les Mis, I just saw a lot of problems with it. Anne Hathaway was great though. I guess Les Mis gets all this extra attention because it is easier to showcase a musical. But I didn't like this song. The girl playing Eponine has a very tiny waist. I think looking hungry should just have been for the movie. Eat a sandwich girl. I like musicals but that was not good at all. But it was staged better at the Oscars than in the movie. The directing of that movie was hideous. And all the close ups. I wanted to wipe Anne's nose when she was slinging snot & crying. Gross. But to be honest, I didn't like the director's work on The King's Speech either, so, there ya go.

Now, Chris Pine and Zoe Saldana, aka Kirk and Uhura. Glad she's not promoting a sequel to Avatar. I hated Avatar. Now, Mark Wahlberg and Ted are presenting best Sound Mixing. It's one of 2 sound awards. One is for overall sound the other is for sound effects. Got it? Good. Les Mis wins. Bummer :( I guess it's because they did sing live and that was tough to do. Oh Ted, you are so crazy! Now, a tie!! First winner is Zero Dark Thirty. This is won by some guy who looks like he drives a van with no back windows. And the second Oscar goes to Skyfall. This is the 3rd guy with creepy long hair who has won tonight. Apparently, they need a Head Start or Sports Clips or Gayfer's salon out in Hollywood. Great Sound of Music joke right there actually. THEY'RE GONE! Now Christopher Plummer, aka Mr. Von Trapp, is here to present Best Supporting Actress. Many think Anne Hathaway will and should win, but her speeches have been a bit, well, full of herself. You played pretend and sang, you didn't cure diseases. And the Oscar goes to Anne Hathaway. Best supporting dress & undergarment doesn't go to Anne though. Ooh, girls with snacks. Do you really think people in Hollywood eat though? Bless your hearts.

Oh good, the Academy president is speaking. Nobody cares, it just means more time for bathroom and snacks. Blah blah blah, bring back the pretty people. Yeah, Sandra Bullock. Is that a bedazzled hearing aid? Oh wait, just some hair clip. Did she just say hamhock? Yes, yes, she did. Now, the award for film editing goes to Argo, it's first award of the night. YEA!!! Now, it's Katniss Everdeen, the Girl on Fire introducing my girl Adele singing Skyfall. YES!!! She is a goddess.

OK, that's a good stopping point. Let's move on to hour #3, shall we?

Oscars - Hour #1

Welcome to the Oscars. This year, I'm not having massive vomiting, so I'm a step ahead of last year. WooHoo! Welcome to hour #1, well, probably hour & a half number 1. Let's see how Seth will do. So far, he isn't bombing, so he's a step ahead of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. So far a freeing the slaves joke and a Chris Brown joke. Ooooh. Now, Captain Kirk is now on-screen from the future to show an offensive production number Seth did. I liked the taped reactions from Charlize, Naomi, and especially Jennifer. Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are ballroom dancing. Cullman, AL representing tonight. The sock puppet reenactment of Flight was much better than the actual movie I have to say. I really didn't like that movie. Denzel was great but the movie sucked harder than a new Dyson. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe in the dance sequence were entertaining. But why do they only get to dance while Jennifer Aniston actually gets to present an award. Those guys make movies I actually like to see, unlike JA. The fantasy sequence with Sally Field was pretty dadgum funny! Now the state of Alabama's own Oscar winner Octavia Spencer is presenting Best Supporting Actor, and the Oscar goes to Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained.  The quick shot of Quentin Tarantino makes it look like he started drinking early. And by early, I mean Thursday. Now 22 minutes later, a commercial. Whew, packed opening wasn't it?

Now Paul Rudd and Sookie St. James I mean Melissa McCarthy (I loved her on Gilmore Girls). She's working the big hair tonight. I wonder if she's really southern. They are actually funny together. Put them together! They are presenting best animated short and the Oscar goes to Paperman. I was rooting for the Maggie Simpson one but nobody asked me. But then again I haven't seen any of them so what the heck do I know. Now for animated feature, the winner is Brave. The award is accepted by a man in a colorful kilt and a woman dressed for a renaissance festival. Now Reese is out to introduce some of the nominees for best picture. #1 is Les Miserables although at times I thought it was #2, but some parts were ok, overall, I didn't like it and wouldn't go to see it onstage. Next is Life of Pi about a boy and a tiger stranded on a boat at sea. I do want to see this. I almost went to see it yesterday but wasn't feeling up to it. #3 is Beasts of the Southern Wild. I loved this movie and the little girl was amazing. Who's the man? I'M THE MAN!! She has just been signed to play Little Orphan Annie in a remake of the musical Annie. Awesome! Now, the cast of the Avengers is presenting best cinematography. Yeah, not as funny. Life of Pi wins and it's accepted by some ghost albino type hybrid monster. I think he's got the mane of some magical horse in a fairy tale. Now for visual effects, will it be a Hobbit or a CGI tiger, or whatever the heck Prometheus is about. Life of Pi wins for the fake tiger. They are using Jaws as the playoff music? YES!!! Keith Urban even looked embarrassed for him.

Now Channing Tatum drew the short straw and has to present with Jennifer Aniston. Channing is now looking uncomfortable about waxing. OK. Now, costume design also known as prettiest old clothes. The winner is Anna Karenina. Now best makeup goes to Les Miserables for making skinny people look like they hadn't eaten in a while, although most of them probably hadn't. I think Anne Hathaway subsists on a diet of saltines and Coke Zero (she's tiny). Does that lady have chopsticks in her hair? Did she eat Chinese food earlier? And she was wearing pink tights too. Why do the costume and makeup people look like they got dressed in the dark? Now Alexis Carrington, oh wait, I mean Halle Berry is out to introduce the Bond tribute. I never watched a lot of the Bond movies but Skyfall was AWESOME!! Now, DAME Shirley bassey is out there singing Goldfinger. She is a dame and older so I'll just be nice and leave it at that. But she ended much better than she started. And the crowd goes wild. That was it for the Bond tribute? Really? That's all? Some clips and a song? That sucks. None of the old Bonds

Now, Jamie Foxx & Kerry Washington are presenting best live action short to Curfew. Apparently, they put some folks in the balconies. Well, is that a good thing or not? I support Short Films, but I more heavily support Martin Short Films. Someone needs to give him a good movie NOW. I know nothing about these short films so I had to change the subject. These documentary shorts look utterly depressing I hope they are uplifting. The winner is Inocente. It's about painting of some sort. Looks like kids' faces are painted like at the fair. Now Liam Neeson is here to tell Hollywood of his special skills and how he will find them. Or to introduce Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. I have a feeling I would respect Lincoln more than I like it. I'm Argo all the way! "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth" bahaha, that made me laugh. And then a Kardashian joke, YES!! Now for documentary feature. Searching for Sugarman, a movie about the search for a long forgotten musician wins.

OK, I'm sick of looking at this page, so I'm gonna wrap this up and get ready for hour #2!

Grammy Awards - Hour #3

They start with one of my favorites, Bruno Mars singing "Locked Out of Heaven"!! YES!! And in walks in Sting which fits since many found some Sting influences in the song. I love seeing singers in the audience singing along (Adele, Keith Urban, Taylor though don't dance please), now they morph into the Bob Marley tribute. Sting still sounds amazing and singing with Bruno, it's awesome. Now Rihanna and 2 of Bob Marley's sons. This is the loosest I've seen Rihanna in a long time. This is a wonderful performance. AMAZING!!

Now The Lumineers are fresh from raiding thrift stores for their Grammy outfits to sing their ubiquitous song Ho Hey (aka that song you hear in every other commercial. The other song you hear in commercials is Home by Philip Phillips). Now Jack White is on, fresh from the set of a Tim Burton movie apparently, and backed by a band of ladies. He's getting shown up by the lady singer though. Did he borrow that jacket from Porter Waggoner? Kinda works though. Now, he's alone and mumbling. But man can he play some guitar. Now Katy Perry in a subtle and low key dress is here presenting best new artist. I've heard of them all and they are all deserving, but fun. wins the award. A few rows back, Bonnie Raitt stands and cheers but still looks bored. The lead singer just pulled a Forrest Gump and said he had to pee. His mother is so proud I'm sure. He kinda looks like the rich kid bully in an 80s teen movies.

Hunter Hayes starts off singing for 15 seconds. He's like the country Bieber, but with talent and he does annoy me. He introduces Carrie Underwood, who does annoy me. Is that a prom dress or a bridesmaid's dress? And we get it, you can sing loud Carrie. Now PRINCE!!! will present Record of the Year. He's got a walking stick. I WANT ONE TOO!! Gotye, featuring Kimbra, wins for Somebody That I Used To Know. What a brilliant haunting song. I was afraid he'd be shut out tonight, but he's won 3 tonight. Congrats, well-deserved. After winning her Grammy, Kimbra, will perform her ice skating routine, apparently.

 Now, a jazz trio of people who weren't introduced I think are paying tribute to Dave Brubeck. Ryan Seacrest is an honorary chair of something? Wow, I would have guessed the Lollipop Guild, but some Grammy thing works too. Now the Grammy president bores us all talks about the Grammy foundation. He does introduce Chick Corea and the other guys playing. Now Justin Timberlake comes back on, even though he was OWNED by Bruno Mars. Now the Grammy death parade. Now, a tribute to Levon Helm featuring a ton of folks singing one of my all time favorite songs "The Weight". Zac Brown, Mavis Staples, Mumford & Sons, Elton John, and Athens, AL's own Brittany Howard from Alabama Shakes did a great job on this song thankfully. Just about half an hour left.

Now Spanish language artist Juanes is singing some of Elton's Your Song and now in Spanish. Don't tell Scott Beason, he's likely to drive to LA and have this guy deported. Now Frank Ocean is performing his song called Forrest Gump (not kidding, that's the name). This is awesome! I don't know why, but it just IS! Now my girl Adele is presenting Album of the Year (since she won last year). She said "Most winners of this award go on to global success and big tours, or get knocked up like last year's winner." and then she laughed. I love her. The Grammy goes to Babel by Mumford & Sons. I Will Wait is a great song. Oops, I think someone said a wirty dord! Watch your language. Dang Brits, can't take em anywhere! Very talented and now a couple of them can go back to sleeping under the overpass. Apparently, we are ending the show with LL Cool J performing with hard rockers. Hmm.

LL Cool J, Chuck D, Tom Morello, Z Trip, and Travis Barker. Let's see if LL can be bad again or is gonna be a family friend form of rocking. Good to see him rapping again. I thought Hollywood mellowed him too much. Plus, the Beastie Boys shout-out. NO SLEEP TIL BROOKLYN!!

Well that's it for tonight. See you back in 2 weeks for the Oscars. Hopefully we won't have a repeat of last year where I had a bad stomach virus, and the wrong movie won. GO ARGO!

Grammy Awards - Hour #2

Here we are for hour #2. It's starting with Ellen DeGeneres and Beyonce'. I guess Beyonce sang (well, danced and sang a little) enough last week before she took out the power in New Orleans. They are introducing Justin Timberlake who is back making music after he showed that he's not nearly as good at acting. Looks like he's copying Bruno Mars performance style from a couple of years ago. Catchy song though. And out of the audience comes Jay-Z. Hey Hova, if you didn't wanna sit by your sister-in-law you just had to say it. Good JT performance, but he gets docked for copying off Bruno Mars. Kelly Rowland looks a lot better than Beyonce' did and she and Nas present best Urban Contemporary Album to Frank Ocean. Saw him on SNL a few months back and he was great.

Now, Dave Grohl and NCIS lady are presenting best rock performance. The Grammy goes to The Black Keys for Lonely Boy. From what I've heard of them, I like them, a lot. You wouldn't normally think of a group like Mumford & Sons as rock, but they showed tonight that a folky band with a banjo can. Oh good grief, it's time for Maroon 5. I'll try to let my rage subside. I just don't like their music anymore. Mainly because it's awful. But also because it's not any good. Now Alicia Keys to stop that mess. Has she always been able to play drums? I know Girl on Fire isn't about Hunger Games, but I can't help picture Katniss with this song. As if the Ed/Elton collaboration didn't prove that things like this shouldn't happen, hoping Adam singing with Alicia will prove it. For Pop Vocal Album, I'm rooting for Kelly or Florence, but figuring fun. will win. If Maroon 5 wins I'll have to pull an Elvis and shoot a TV. Not mine of course, but someone else's. Thankfully, Kelly won and Florence cheers loudest. Happy for Kelly. She seems like a real fun girl and has given the best speech of the night BY FAR!! She may be a little tipsy, but hilarious.

Now here's Rihanna performing her new song Stay. She really shouldn't buy her wig from the 99 cent bin though. But she sounds great. Isn't this the song about Chris Brown? Interesting choice for tonight. And the duet worked, unlike the others of the night. But very emotional. Now Carly Rae Jeppsen & NeYo present rap/sung to Church in the Wild. Jay-Z had one of the lines of the night "I'd like to thank the swap meet for his hat." haha

Now, Kat Dennings, fresh off her, um, interesting promo during the Super Bowl, introduces The Black Keys & Dr. John & the Preservation Hall Jazz Band. Oh Crystal Broussard, I hope you end up watching this. Rock, funk, jazz, & fun. I'm not sure what wildlife Dr. John ran over on the way to the awards show, but on anyone else, it'd look odd, on him it's more expected haha. I liked it! Now, time for Kelly Clarkson, and she's honoring Patti Page and Carole King. This should be something! Starting out with Tennessee Waltz. Now she goes into (You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman. She sounds AMAZING! And she's being accompanied only by a piano and a guitar. And THAT is how you close out an hour. That was fantastic. But first, best country album, presented by Kelly. Winner is Zac Brown Band. He's wearing an actual hat instead of that stupid knit hat.

Grammy Awards - Hour #1

Alright alright alright, it's awards show time. Let's get right into it. Apparently the opening number is being done by the illegitimate daughter of the Mad Hatter & the White Queen and directed by Tim Burton on absinthe. Remember when she was a simple country singer? Now, all this over the top theatricality is just too much and annoying.

LL Cool J is once again hosting, once again in that same hat. I hope it's not the SAME hat he wears over & over and that it's a different one and that he washes it. That'd be a whole lot of head sweat. After that over produced monstrosity to open the show, now we have Ed Sheeran singing his simple song about a fallen woman (drug addicted prostitute actually) but singing it with Elton John. Elton is great but his style is so different than Ed's that it sounds a bit odd, but worked better when they harmonized. Would have liked to have seen Ed alone though.

Now here are Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez. Thankfully, neither is performing. Apparently, Jennifer Lopez's curtains got caught in the vacuum and she made them into a dress. That's resourcefulness right there. Now here's the Grammy for best solo pop performance. Adele wins for the live version of Set Fire to the Rain. An AMAZING song. Who was the guy that was up there first though? 

Now, here's fun. and it's fun. with a period at the end and not capitalized. I have a friend who hates them. I like them. This is a new song to me, slower than the others. I like the lead singer's voice a lot. His hair is stupid. Even when I had hair, mine only looked like that when I first woke up and when I needed a haircut. He's wearing Mary Tyler Moore's pants from the Dick Van Dyke. Capris are only a good look on 16 year old girls in 50s movies. And apparently, they just made it rain.

John Mayer looks a little less creepy tonight. BONNIE RAITT! Love her. Now Miranda Lambert and Dierks Bentley singing, hopefully a little more pep in their step. My friend Bill is getting bored with all these slow songs. But look, a pink microphone to distract from the slow song. Not peppy, but good. At least JLo & Pitbull didn't perform. Remember that.

Old Bandstand clip of LL Cool J shows he's been licking his lips a long time. In fact LL in his name stands for Lip Licking. Now Wiz Khalifa and Miguel are performing. Then present country solo performance. When I think country, I think Wiz. Sadly, Carrie Underwood won. Ugh, she annoys me. I've never been able to detect a personality with her. But Wiz & Miguel did a good job. Got Rihanna up on her feet even though nobody else was. She's that girl at the concert who stands when nobody else does. Hate it for those behind her.

Now, song of the year presented by former King & Queen of Country Tim McGraw & Faith Hill. Faith looks better than she has in a while. She's proudly sporting her braces. Song of the year goes to fun. for We Are Young. Cool song, and one of them is dating Lena Dunham from Girls. And according to Jay-Z & Solange Knowles, it looks like they serve booze at the seats. Look, they found some orange colored bum to pretend he's Johnny Depp. Oh wait, that IS Johnny Depp? Yikes! Ugh! But Mumford & Sons are so far rocking the hardest of anyone so far tonight. Tough for a folky band with a banjo. Taylor Swift is singing along. See Taylor, this is what people who have good voices sound like. Ouch, I'm sorry.

OK, that's it for hour #1, let's rev up for hour #2!!