Oscars - Hour #1

Welcome to the Oscars. This year, I'm not having massive vomiting, so I'm a step ahead of last year. WooHoo! Welcome to hour #1, well, probably hour & a half number 1. Let's see how Seth will do. So far, he isn't bombing, so he's a step ahead of Anne Hathaway and James Franco. So far a freeing the slaves joke and a Chris Brown joke. Ooooh. Now, Captain Kirk is now on-screen from the future to show an offensive production number Seth did. I liked the taped reactions from Charlize, Naomi, and especially Jennifer. Now Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron are ballroom dancing. Cullman, AL representing tonight. The sock puppet reenactment of Flight was much better than the actual movie I have to say. I really didn't like that movie. Denzel was great but the movie sucked harder than a new Dyson. Joseph Gordon Levitt and Daniel Radcliffe in the dance sequence were entertaining. But why do they only get to dance while Jennifer Aniston actually gets to present an award. Those guys make movies I actually like to see, unlike JA. The fantasy sequence with Sally Field was pretty dadgum funny! Now the state of Alabama's own Oscar winner Octavia Spencer is presenting Best Supporting Actor, and the Oscar goes to Christoph Waltz for Django Unchained.  The quick shot of Quentin Tarantino makes it look like he started drinking early. And by early, I mean Thursday. Now 22 minutes later, a commercial. Whew, packed opening wasn't it?

Now Paul Rudd and Sookie St. James I mean Melissa McCarthy (I loved her on Gilmore Girls). She's working the big hair tonight. I wonder if she's really southern. They are actually funny together. Put them together! They are presenting best animated short and the Oscar goes to Paperman. I was rooting for the Maggie Simpson one but nobody asked me. But then again I haven't seen any of them so what the heck do I know. Now for animated feature, the winner is Brave. The award is accepted by a man in a colorful kilt and a woman dressed for a renaissance festival. Now Reese is out to introduce some of the nominees for best picture. #1 is Les Miserables although at times I thought it was #2, but some parts were ok, overall, I didn't like it and wouldn't go to see it onstage. Next is Life of Pi about a boy and a tiger stranded on a boat at sea. I do want to see this. I almost went to see it yesterday but wasn't feeling up to it. #3 is Beasts of the Southern Wild. I loved this movie and the little girl was amazing. Who's the man? I'M THE MAN!! She has just been signed to play Little Orphan Annie in a remake of the musical Annie. Awesome! Now, the cast of the Avengers is presenting best cinematography. Yeah, not as funny. Life of Pi wins and it's accepted by some ghost albino type hybrid monster. I think he's got the mane of some magical horse in a fairy tale. Now for visual effects, will it be a Hobbit or a CGI tiger, or whatever the heck Prometheus is about. Life of Pi wins for the fake tiger. They are using Jaws as the playoff music? YES!!! Keith Urban even looked embarrassed for him.

Now Channing Tatum drew the short straw and has to present with Jennifer Aniston. Channing is now looking uncomfortable about waxing. OK. Now, costume design also known as prettiest old clothes. The winner is Anna Karenina. Now best makeup goes to Les Miserables for making skinny people look like they hadn't eaten in a while, although most of them probably hadn't. I think Anne Hathaway subsists on a diet of saltines and Coke Zero (she's tiny). Does that lady have chopsticks in her hair? Did she eat Chinese food earlier? And she was wearing pink tights too. Why do the costume and makeup people look like they got dressed in the dark? Now Alexis Carrington, oh wait, I mean Halle Berry is out to introduce the Bond tribute. I never watched a lot of the Bond movies but Skyfall was AWESOME!! Now, DAME Shirley bassey is out there singing Goldfinger. She is a dame and older so I'll just be nice and leave it at that. But she ended much better than she started. And the crowd goes wild. That was it for the Bond tribute? Really? That's all? Some clips and a song? That sucks. None of the old Bonds

Now, Jamie Foxx & Kerry Washington are presenting best live action short to Curfew. Apparently, they put some folks in the balconies. Well, is that a good thing or not? I support Short Films, but I more heavily support Martin Short Films. Someone needs to give him a good movie NOW. I know nothing about these short films so I had to change the subject. These documentary shorts look utterly depressing I hope they are uplifting. The winner is Inocente. It's about painting of some sort. Looks like kids' faces are painted like at the fair. Now Liam Neeson is here to tell Hollywood of his special skills and how he will find them. Or to introduce Argo, Lincoln, and Zero Dark Thirty. I have a feeling I would respect Lincoln more than I like it. I'm Argo all the way! "The actor who really got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth" bahaha, that made me laugh. And then a Kardashian joke, YES!! Now for documentary feature. Searching for Sugarman, a movie about the search for a long forgotten musician wins.

OK, I'm sick of looking at this page, so I'm gonna wrap this up and get ready for hour #2!