It's the Grammy Awards y'all - Part 1!

Good evening everyone. I'm taking a break from movie awards to blog about the Grammys. I am expecting lots of Miley and Justin jokes, because, well, they are easy targets. It's like calling me bald. Really? No kidding, I'm bald, I had no idea! I am ready for these awards. I've been laid up with a bum knee yesterday. My knee darn near gave out on me in the parking lot of the Golden Corral in Oxford, AL while meeting my parents to pick up a few things. Just another day in redneck paradise for me :)

Now, to open the show, it's Mrs. Carter, aka Beyonce. She's in a chair, well, she's straddling a chair with a strobe light & fog machine, and she looks wet. If she had to take a shower after she got there, they shouldn't have put her first, or give her a better towel. Bless it. She's singing Drunk In Love. Maybe that'll be Bieber's defense for his charges. It's starting to look like the Paula Abdul Cold Hearted video with the outfit and chair. Oh looks, she's on a turntable. And there's Jay-Z to do his rap part. The couple that Grammys together stays together. Wait, maybe not, just look at Captain & Tennille. Sad, bless em. Blue Ivy should be happy to know her dad dances like every other dorky dad, or like Bill Cosby from the opening of The Cosby Show. Finally, the requisite shot of Taylor Swift dancing and singing along with whomever is performing.

Now, your host, Mr. Kangol Hat himself, LL Cool J. I still think LL stands for lip licking not Ladies Love. Those helmets on Daft Punk will never stop cracking me up. Super seriously sounding LL is a bit much though. It is funny how he went from Mama Said Knock You Out to "My mama loves watching you on NCIS: LA". They start out with Best New Artist, which goes to Macklemore & Ryan Lewis. That's quite a houndstooth tux and velvet tux. Maybe they should have stopped by a thrift shop (see what I did there?). I guess Ryan Lewis doesn't talk? Is he like Teller from Penn & Teller.

Now Lorde is performing Royals. I'm sick of this song. Also, she kinda creeps me out when she performs. It's like she's the girl from The Ring when she sings. And is she supposed to be 16 or 17? Why does she look my age instead? Royals was kinda fun at first, now I'm over it. I'm sure it makes me unhip to be over it, but my musical tastes have never been described as hip. I'm still waiting for Peter Cetera, Huey Lewis, The Bangles and Stacey Q to make comebacks.

In non-music observations, Madonna was wearing a grill in her mouth on the red carpet. Why? She looked ridiculous. I think it would have been better if she wore a Weber gas grill instead. From my friend Jen Rice "I don't want to live in a world where Andy Samberg is seated a whole tier ahead of U2." Preaching to the choir sister. And do Liam Neeson's movies have a screenplay anymore? Or just say "Go save people with your special skills!"? Bless him.

Now country's answer to Justin Bieber (except with talent, no drug problem, and no dbag attitude) aka Hunter Hayes is performing a serious song about self-esteem and being yourself. Easy when you are a pretty boy country star. Sentiment is good though. Is he 5'4" or something? The kid can sing though. Now, pop duo/group performance presented by Anna Faris from Mom and Latin superstar Juanes who looks like a Latin Colin Ferrell except he knows what it's like to have a hit, unlike Colin...BURN!! notJustinnotJustin... Get Lucky by helmet heads with Pharrell and the always cool Nile Rodgers. I guess they don't speak. If they win album of the year...short speech! But why the helmets? I know they are French but they can't be THAT ugly.

Now Steve Coogan from Philomena (Great movie if you haven't seen it. It'll really touch ya) plus he was in Tropic Thunder. He's introducing Katy Perry and Oscar Winner Juicy J (for the song It's Hard Out Here For a Pimp, no I'm not kidding). Wow, this looks like a bad Meat Loaf video. Oh look, her bosom lights up. Is that a broom? Is she gonna fly away? Are they burning her at the stake? Oh dear goodness that was awful. Sing a better song next time.

OK, that's enough for your attention span for now. More to come!